The Neurotic Surrenderer

Like many of us, I struggle with the idea of “surrender”. My struggle is how does it feel to really surrender? How does it feel to let go of control, rigidness, expectation, and the idea of some fixed outcome. Am I really “surrendering” when I think I am, or am I just behaving in another way which is controlling (under the disguise of surrender). I have yearned to figure out what surrender really feels like for years and answer the question when I do “surrender” and what happens after that? At times I feel like I am Woody Allen with this  neurotic approach on a quest to find surrender.  

Through the years I found different tools and avenues which could help me surrender. Some of them felt right, others didn’t, but what I have found is that truly “surrendering”  requires from us that we attempt to look at EVERYTHING through the lense of LOVE. Surrendering is not this big act where you pick a time and tell the world, “On April 26th at 2pm I will be surrendering,” but it lies in all the little things that we do moment to moment that change us and the world around us. And just like working out a physical muscle, all of these little moments of choosing to see through the eyes of love increase our capacity to forgive and love even more which in turn helps us to surrender. Again, this seems easy as I write this, but feeling it and doing it are such a different experience. Especially when there has been betrayal, suffering, and heartache around an issue or a person.

Personally, surrendering takes my vulnerability and courageousness up to the surface to be spotlighted. It asks me if I have the courage to love and completely accept myself for exactly who I am in this moment. And if so, do I have that courage to do the same for others; even those experiences which have hurt me the most. When I am able to do this, this is the real gift that I receive from surrendering.

Just like everything, I am a work in progress with surrender. In some parts of my life, surrendering, is easier than others. There are days in which it is too freakin exhausting to make the effort to let go of whatever anger/resentment/criticism that I am holding on to. But in the end, life has this way of giving me another opportunity to surrender and reminds me that it is in those precious moments, when I take the time to breathe and move forward with some sort of grace that peace of mind can truly be had.